Phantom Hair Syndrome...

Last night, while climbing into bed, I reached back to pull the black elastic off of my ponytail, so it wouldn't bother me in the night, as I've done so many times in my life.

The problem was, none of it was there: the hair, the ponytail, the elastic.

Maybe that's why last night I had the first bald dream - in my dream, my baldness played a feature role. Or maybe because I had gone to an all day meeting with some people I know, who knew me with hair, as well as some new people, who have no frame of Cheryl-with-hair reference. One person I had spent two days with last year had trouble placing me. Then the look on her face went from confusion, to surprise, to embarrassment in about three seconds. I noted that she looked more tired - older and worn; I'm sure the look on my face mirrored hers.

Another friend, who had not seen me in a few months, hugged me and said, "Last time I saw you, you weren't so....bald!"  His warmth and frankness were better than averted eyes.

At my son's school concert, reactions were a bit similar: non-recognition, surprise, but I also scared a few small children, who blatantly stared. I'm embarrassed to admit enjoying that suspicious look young kids get when they are puzzling out "what is this and why is it different from normal?" Dads can be bald; a bald mom is seriously fishy. The honesty of unsocialization.

Phantom Hair Syndrome has happened before: I reach back to push my hair off my neck, or up to brush it out of my eyes, and find air. Disconcerting, but not all that weird. I'm adapting. My subconscious sometimes pushes up a message to my conscious mind that I should cover my head - bald is somehow shameful. Thinking of the ways shaving someone's head is used to humiliate them,  I remind myself there is no shame here, no humiliation, merely self-care and healing.

Maybe I make some people uncomfortable with the reality of cancer treatment, part schadenfreude, part fear. If so, okay - we all need reminders that humans come in a fragile vessel, and life is tennous regardless of what we tell ourselves.

And, wow, it is SO much cooler now that the summer heat is kicking in! I may shave my head every summer from now on.